Accountants and Auditors Jokes




How Accountants and Auditors feel about each other






Accountant Joke :Interview Question : two plus two

A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division. He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney. He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."


Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant. When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down. Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
Window Dressing 

A lady goes to see her doctor with some very worrisome symptoms. After examining her, he says, "I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you only have six months to live." The lady is very distraught, "Oh doctor, what should I do", she asks. The doctor says, "I advise you to marry a CPA.""Will that make me live longer?", she asks, hopefully. "No, " says the doctor. "But it will seem longer."


Audit Report


Auditors Jokes : Time sheets


An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least93 years old!"


Documentation




Tax Jokes


An accountant is walking along the beach (also, not the joke) and he finds an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and of course, a genie appears. The genie says "I am the most powerful genie that has ever lived. I can do great and wonderful things and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one." Well, this accountant is a deeply caring individual. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean area and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Arab-Israeli conflict in the Middle East. The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. "Oh dear, " he says , staring at the map. "That's a tough one. Those people have been fighting for eons. No one has been able to come up with a successful solution. I'm not sure if I could do any better. You should probably make another wish." The accountant is understanding and says, "All right. Listen, the IRS has asked me to re-design their 1040 form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?" There's a long silence and finally the genie says, "Let's have another look at that map."

Tax Deductions

Auditors _matters of interest


Twisting the Generally Accepted Accounting Practices (GAAP)



Audit of Sheep

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban
sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd,

'If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?'

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, 'Okay.'

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS,

opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.

He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says,

'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

The shepherd cheers, 'That's correct, you can have your sheep.'

The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks, 'If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?'

The young man answers, 'Yes, why not?'

The shepherd says, 'you are an auditor.’

'How did you know?' asks the young man.

'Very simple,' answers the shepherd. ‘

Firstly, you came here without being wanted.

Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew..

Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business...

'.....Now Can I have my dog back?'




DO U ASPIRE FOR A C.A. WIFE ?? READ AND THEN THINK


When I told my mom that I wanted a professional woman as my wife, she got me one; a Chartered Accountant.She uses LIFO method while taking out the refrigerated food. She thinks I am no good at figure work. Fine with me, for now she handles the budget of the house.

Initially she used to send me a bill at the month end, but when I told her that I am not her client but her husband, she asks for the money in advance. The expenses had been rising steadily over the months, so one day I snooped into the papers maintained in a current file. No wonder! She was charging conveyance and overtime to the house budget. She is crazy, I tell her but she corrects me. No my darling, I am the auditor. I fail to see the light.
Every scrap of the paper in our house is filed. She tells me as per some Ordinance she must keep a copy of every thing for at least ten years before destroying
it. I am worried. The other day we had an hour-long fight. Later, I got to know that she had charged that hour to a client of hers, in the time sheet. My time was put down as unoccupied.
She says that she loves me and I tell her that I love her too. However, she never believes me. She says that there is susceptibility of it being a misstatement. Duh! She wants my representation on this!
Last year our house accounts got a qualified opinion I had not kept the supporting etc. of my purchases. Not a long time back my brother's wedding was to be solemnized. Wedding cards had been sent. After some time I started receiving a steady trickle of letters. I was puzzled until my wife was explained that external evidence was more reliable. She had called for confirmations from all those to whom cards were sent.

When she cooks, my wife at times does not go by recipe. Where the recipe says add half-teaspoon vinegar, one tsp black salt or one teacup of water, she ignores them. She says that they are not material when taken in context of whole meal being prepared.

She is crazy, I tell you. Surprisingly everybody calls her an auditor, instead. I checked the dictionary and it did not state that auditor is a synonym for crazy.
The dictionary must be outdated.
When we got married, she had given me an Engagement Letter and I Had said how cute-how sweet. Now she gives it to me every year saying that her standards state that it must be sent anew if there is any indication that I have misunderstood the objective and scope of engagement. Huh!

Apart from sending me the engagement letter once again she says I can't get rid off her just like that. She says that she has the right of being heard before I appoint some one else. It seems I must keep reading one local and another English newspaper published and circulated in the vicinity of our house for more details.
Phew! For a minute, I thought that we had jeopardized our going concern status. Duh! Dare I say so??

i am told by one of my female colleagues who is married to a CA that the scenario is even worse when the guy is a CA. Apparently he capitalized the wedding expenses as preliminary expenses and is writing it off every year. Also the time he spent dating hiswife before marrying her is still under consideration for valuation under AS-26...valuation of intangible assets.

So guyz please think twice....should u really marry a CA? and yes please discount it by the appropriate rate to arrive at the present value of the risk of doing so !!!!!!!



Be careful while delaing with Chartered Accountant

Once a Chartered accountant was travelling by train in A/c class.  He was traveling from Manmad to Bangalore! 

He was traveling alone! 

Some time later, a Beautiful lady came and sat in the opposite berth! 

 Chartered accountant was pleasantly Happy!

The lady kept smiling at him!  This made d chartered accountant even more Happy!

Then she went and sat next to him! 

The chartered accountant was bubbling with Joy! 

She then leant towards him and whispered in his ear " Hand over all your valuables, cash, cards, mobile phone to me 
else I will shout and tell everybody that you are  harassing and misbehaving with me" 

The chartered accountant stared blankly at her!

He took out a paper and a pen from his bag and wrote " I  can not hear or speak. You write on this paper whatever you want to say" 

The lady wrote everything what she said earlier and gave it to him! 

Chartered accountant took her note, kept it in his pocket! 

He got up and told her in clear tones..."Now shout & scream!!"

MORAL OF THE STORY : *DOCUMENTATION IS VERY IMPORTANT*😜

Annual Report Drafting



Economist Joke : How will economists be used in hell

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being processed, he passed a room where an economist he knew was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman.
"What a crummy deal!" the man complained. "I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman."
An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"


Drafting an Agreement

Difference between Merger and Acquisition

Corporate Culture related Jokes

Strategy
Venture Capitalists



Grass

A highly successful MD of MNC was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
 Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.


He asked one man 
"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the MD said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two  children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the MD replied. 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and three children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the MD answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to the MD and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The MD replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

Lesson :
* Never trust Higher Management  ... They will go to any extreme to finish their job._

*And there is none like a KIND Management * 😜

Dedicated to all successful Managers and upcoming General Managers ....._😀😀





Well prepared answers for an interview is ok but pre-prepared answers are dangerous

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence? " He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.
"Who was responsible for our independence? "

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another. " He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied. 

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.


When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged. 

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him.

" By the way, what is your date of birth?"
He replied, " The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."
Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification.

 "What is your fathers name?"
He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".
The interviewer was incensed.
" Hey! Are you mad or what?"
He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report ."

  How Various People think about Auditor

 


Difference between a Good CA and a Great CA

Question : What is the difference between a Good CA and a Great CA
Answer   : A Good CA knows the Income Tax Act and A Great CA knows the Income Tax Officer

LIFE AS PER ACCOUNTANT





Struggles of CA students


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 Study Material Collection

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Attending Classes
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Exam Preparation
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Answering Theory Papers
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CA is not course it is a way of life
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How a CA Student thinks
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Competetion Among Friends
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Two types of subjects in CA-Dilemna
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Why CA course commands so much attention
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Difference between B. Com & CA - Question Paper Pattern

Question in B. Com exam: How many balls are there in an over?
Answer: 6
Full Marks!!!
If this was given in CA exam, then,
The answer would be WRONG and the examiner’s comment in the suggested answers would be -
"Most of the students answered the question. However, students have not understood the question correctly. Answer points to a lack of in-depth understanding and conceptual clarity on the subject. Correct answer is 1 (one) ball which is delivered 6 times, if the umpire (as defined under bye law 19 of Rule 2) did not declare any no ball in all those deliveries.
Incase the umpire, as defined above, declares a No Ball as defined in the byelaw 24 Rule 3 of the Laws of Cricket (Lords), then there will be an additional ball delivered, using the same ball, for every no ball declared by the umpire.
Note that such additional balls (deliveries) will not be counted towards the number of actual balls (deliveries)."
Similarly for a wide ball, under byelaw 25 Rule 3 of the Laws of Cricket (Lords) an additional ball will be delivered for every wide ball declared by the umpire.
Thus keeping in view the Rules 19, 24 & 25 of the Laws of Cricket(Lords) the answer is 1 ball.
However, if the ball used for the said deliveries suffers or undergoes such transformation or such other changes which, the umpire, on an appeal being made by the bowler, deems unfit for use, the ball may be changed/replaced with another one. Only in such a case, will there be use of multiple balls in an over.
(The student may assume that the batsmen did not hit a sixer, thereby forcing the ball to go out of the park causing another ball to be used)''




Life of a CA Article Student




I have time for friends In my three years of internship I have made some very valuable friends. One of them is “the laptop” which is with me through thick and thin, come rain or terrible heat, no matter how the long journey is to client’s place. No
wonder that after a few months I end up suffering from back ache... “ahhh..well, the things people endure for their friends”

Now I know each coin has two sidesJust as in the Corporate world a Company Secretary is the Link between the shareholders and the company, In the audit world I am the link between the client and audit team. The client bitches tom me about how unrealistic the audit team demands are and the team bitches about how uncooperative the client is.

Now I am grateful to all scientists who made our life easyWithin days of starting my internship I was equipped with tools which would ensure my success in this field. The tools being “Ctrl+C” Ctrl+V” Alt+Tab”I don’t know when or who invented the calculator but god bless him/her for the invention that helps me survive tracing.

Now I appreciate how a voucher is made My main goal in life during the three years of internship is to get my expense reports signed which sometimes may be inflated; adhering to the old adage “Aim Higher in case you fall short”.

Now iam a better Team player I consider it my duty to remind members of my audit team to have lunch, order for snacks and try to enjoy their life in general lest audit consume their life.


My suggestions are always valued. When I say I don’t want to go to any outstation audit. I immediately get sent to one. When I say I want a small client I immediately get a big MNC client to audit.

Now I appreciate my teachers better Along with doing audit many-a-times I end up having to play the role of a tutor .i.e. teaching excel shortcuts to the client and then watch as they keep forgetting to use it….*new found respect for my school and college teachers*.

I have improved my English skills  I have learnt more about punctuation doing Call and Compare than I Have learnt in school.

The process is as important as result My work efficiency is most often than not measured by what I actually do but by how late I sit every day and how well presented my work papers are irrespective of whether they have any observations or not.



Now I use my sleep time also for career My mind is so full of office work  I get dreams relating to it.Sometimes I have recurring nightmares where in my hard earned comp-offs get rejected based on the “actual productive working hours” principle.





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Doctor vs engineer

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not healed get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."